User blog:Auslly~Bobbie~Music/Jokes To Make Your Day

Having a rough day? Can't smile? Well here are some jokes! They aren't mine, im rubbish. Credit goes to websites and people. But I picked out safe, yet funny and understandable ones! Some had bad words but were funny, so Im giving them, just replacing the bad words with clean ones:)

JOKE 1

Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, ma'am?" "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

JOKE 2 

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

JOKE 3

A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.

The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the West Virginian says, "What's that noise?"

JOKE 4'

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?

JOKE 5

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

JOKE 6 (Its funny, a little offensive but funny)

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.

JOKE 7 (QUITE TRUE!)

Warning ...... If the vet picks your dog up never say put him down.

JOKE 8'


 * "What the Pickles," I shouted, "you pulled out right in front of me!"

"That was your fault," she snapped.

"I don't think so, love. Look at the damage; you've buckled my front left wheel!"

"You're just being ridiculous now," she responded. "What the heck is wrong with you?"

"Look," I replied. "Let's exchange details and get this mess sorted out."

"Oh for pickle's sake," she retorted, "just get another trolley and grow up."

JOKE 9 (Its meant to be sarcastic)

My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well?" she said, "I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone." I said, "can you see a difference?"

JOKE 10

I accidentally dialed 999 from my mobile phone last night.

So I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.

Ill give in more jokes soon! I just hope you enjoyed them!:)

What was the best joke? JOKE 1 JOKE 2 JOKE 3 JOKE 4 JOKE 5 JOKE 6 JOKE 7 JOKE 8 JOKE 9 JOKE 10